The Sober Widow

Chapter 4

I thought I would take a break from grief and trauma for just a moment. I want to talk about alcohol and what it does to our lives when we overdo it.

Up until about 2010 or so, I was pretty much just a social drinker. I could limit myself to just a couple when I went out, and the drinks at home were not out of control. But when your spouse is also a drinker, you don’t have kids and you love to entertain, things can easily slide the wrong way. And that’s what happened to me.

Then, in 2015, I started to have neck problems which yada yada yada was finally diagnosed as degenerative arthritis in my spine, specifically vertebra discs 6 and 7. I had two surgeries in 2017 and 2019, respectively, and the only thing that numbed the pain was alcohol.  Not that that’s an excuse, I’m just laying it out there.

However, at this point in my life, I can’t drink at all, even if I wanted to (which I do not). When you have a liver transplant, that’s part of the deal. And soon I will talk about the enormous hurdles I had to jump through to even qualify for the transplant (it’s not sufficient just to be sick enough to need it), but for now, I want to touch on the effects that alcohol has had on my life.

During recuperation after surgery, I had a lot of time to reflect and to watch (a lot of) TV. I hadn’t noticed before, but I started to realize just how many commercials were dedicated to some form of alcohol or another. From beer ads to vodka and wine, it was inescapable. It’s a good thing I wasn’t frothing at the mouth for it. If I had been, I would have been out of luck anyway, seeing as how I was not able to drive!

Also, TV shows and movies, in general, have a lot of characters drinking. I’m not sure this is a good thing, as it subliminally promotes it as a fun and perfectly normal pastime. In many cases it is, but for those of us who have a problem with alcohol, these shows tend to glorify what can be a very dangerous habit. Something to think about if you find yourself going there.

So why don’t I have any desire for it now? Well, for one thing, it could kill me. I had a very diseased liver and I’m so relieved that I have a shiny new one. I’ll take very good care of this one, believe me. I’ve given a lot of thought on what to drink when I go out (iced tea is a big contender). I’m not at all bothered when my dining companions want to drink, and I make sure to tell them that in case they don’t feel right doing it in front of me. But the bottom line is that none of my friends or family are big drinkers, so it’s not like I’m surrounded by it all the time.

Honestly, I’m fine. When your doctor tells you this is a live or die situation, and you actually want to live, you stay away from it. Funny story – when I first got home from the hospital, I occasionally dreamed that I had a drink, and then remembered I wasn’t supposed to, and a couple of times tried desperately to “undo it” and in others, resigned myself to my impending fate. I woke up every time enormously relieved that it was just a dream.

Two weeks ago, I saw my liver doctor (my recovery is going really well, so I only have to go in to see her once every two months now – isn’t that kind of shocking??). Her nurse asked me to take a survey while I was waiting. It was all about alcohol – how much do you drink, how many days a week, etc. Lots of questions like that. When she came to collect the survey, I said that I was surprised it’s even an option. She said “oh, it’s not, but you’d be amazed at how many transplant patients go back to it.” To say I was surprised to hear this is putting it mildly. Because if I screw up this new liver, I am not getting another one! And I have a lot more living to do, God willing.

I’m getting a little long-winded here, but I saw a post online yesterday in the “Dear Annie”column that inspired me to write all this. Apparently, April is National Alcohol Awareness Month. And while I applaud anyone who has been helped by Alcoholics Anonymous, the few times I went to meetings convinced me that it’s just not my thing. There are different approaches you can take, as follows:

• One is SMART Recovery (https://www.smartrecovery.org), which offers a network of resources and is not just focused on alcohol abuse but addiction in general.
• LifeRing Secular Recovery (https://lifering.org), like AA, is an abstinence-based anonymous organization that provides safe meeting spaces.

Then there are programs for people who have a non-severe drinking problem but would like to cut back on their drinking or take a break:

• Moderation Management (https://moderation.org),
• CheckUp and Choices (checkupandchoices.com) and
• One Year No Beer (https://www.oneyearnobeer.com).

Wherever people are, there are tools available.

These are just some observations I wanted to share. I hope this is helpful to whoever wants or needs to hear it.

Update 10/13/24: I was approached by the law firm Brown & Crouppen regarding an guide they created on underage drinking and its dangers. I thought it would be worthwhile to add this information and link to the article if it can help anyone. Here it is as well as their description from their email to me:

Alcohol addiction can be detrimental to physical, mental, academic, and social factors for everybody, but even more so for teens. We recently made a guide about underage drinking and included information about that as well as the dangers of it, how to talk to teens about drinking, and other ways we can all ensure safety. Check it out below:

Underage Drinking – brownandcrouppen.com/underage-drinking-and-its-dangers/