The Sober Widow

Chapter 25

Well, I spoke too soon. I knew I was jinxing it when I wrote about it. No matter- Bob and I broke up. The lesson I learned was “always listen to your gut.”

For quite some time now, my intuition was telling me that he is not my chapter 2. I liked him, and we did get along well in many respects, and certainly the attraction was there. But while I have a very busy and fulfilling life, I was willing to make time for him, to spend time with him and to try and build a partnership. After four months, it became clear to me that he did not feel the same. So, after the second time he forgot we had made plans for a specific date/time, I decided enough was enough.

This led me to writing my newspaper column “Why Do We Accept Unacceptable Behavior?” in the November 13, 2025 edition of the Marblehead Weekly News. And then I followed it up with “Maya Angelou Was Right” in the November 26 edition. Because I excused the first instance, when we were supposed to go away to Vermont together in mid-September. He had known about the date well in advance and said he would go with me to my alma mater for Homecoming Weekend (that’s not why I went but it coincided). I had to make hotel reservations a couple of months in advance, which is why I had given him plenty of notice. The week before, I said I was looking forward to going away and he dropped the bomb that he had to work that weekend (he does not normally work weekends). I was very angry but let it go, as I figured it might be for the best. I would be seeing people I hadn’t seen in many years, spending some time catching up with them, and taking part in the weekend of activities planned around the arts building unveiling. In hindsight, I’m just as glad I went alone, but I was still upset at the cavalier attitude of “forgetting” we had made plans.

Fast-forward. There were other hints that I was a pretty low priority in his life, and that started to weigh on me. I made accommodations to fit him into my life, and I did not feel that he did the same for me. The straw that broke the camel’s back was the weekend of November 15, 2025 when we had made plans to go to dinner and a comedy show with my friends. He had had almost three weeks’ notice of this and said he would go. A few days before, I casually mentioned it, and he said that he couldn’t go because he had all-day plans and that he “forgot.” Apparently, he doesn’t write anything down and doesn’t have a calendar where he keeps track of things like this. Hearing that, I was done. It’s unacceptable that this happened twice, and he readily agreed that he “f&cked up,” but it’s too late. Also, he thinks that apologizing makes it all go away.

An apology is nice and certainly warranted. But unless you change your behavior, it’s a bandage on a bigger problem. Since this is the second time this has happened, it’s clear that it will keep happening if I allow it to. Well, I’m not. I’m worth way more than someone who forgets he’s supposed to be with me. My philosophy has always been that if someone wants to spend time with you, he will. This was a clear sign that he didn’t. Another of my beliefs is from Maya Angelou, who said that when people show you who they are, believe them. And to me, actions speak wayyyyy louder than words.

For my male readers, I’m sorry that I’m going to rant just a bit about their bad behavior. I know women can also be cruel and thoughtless, but I am speaking about my own experience, so either stop reading, or continue and learn.

Throughout history, women have been expected to put up with the way men treat them. For so many women, the thought-process has been that it’s better to be treated marginally (and in many cases, abominably) and still have a life partner, than to be alone. Society kind of underscores that as well. Married people get more perks, from tax incentives to travel. When I go on a Viking cruise, I have to pay a solo supplement, because all their cabins are for two. Sure, I could get a friend to go along with me (I haven’t yet, but that’s because the cruises I’ve chosen have been too long and most of my friends still work). I choose to pay more only because the Viking experience is unparallelled. From service, accommodations, safety, you name it – when a woman travels alone, she wants to be safe, and I don’t have to worry about a thing with them. And I’ve made many new friends from my Egypt trip, and had so much fun with them during the excursions. But my point is that it’s somewhat of a penalty since I’m not coupled-up.

Also, what is it with men and conversation? Not to compare, because we are all uniquely different, but I could talk to Tony and many of my men friends about anything and everything. But some of the men I have dated don’t have much to say. They call, and check in, but there is no actual conversation. “How was your day” is fairly limiting, and even when I try to go farther, I don’t think they understand what I’m trying to do. It’s like they feel they’ve done their duty by calling and rush me off the phone. I understand that a lot of people don’t really like talking on the phone but if you live far enough apart, you won’t see each other more than MAYBE once a week, so the phone calls are the way to check in. I thought Facetime might be a solution, but if you both don’t have iPhones, that won’t work. I think I need to learn how to set up a video chat in Zoom or something, but that can be a little bit of trouble and inconvenience.

My dad was never one to talk on the phone when my mother was alive. She was the face of the organization, if you know what I mean 😊. But after she died, it’s like he woke up and I had trouble getting him OFF the phone when he called me. I actually loved it when I had the time (he often called me at work because I had an 800 number) because I felt as though I got to know him better. We had some wonderful conversations and I really miss that.

I’m starting to realize that I’ve given many men in my life a pass when they’ve treated me less than I deserve to be treated. Tony was the exception; yes, he had faults but his love for me overrode them and whenever I expressed concern (or when he called me out on any of my behavior), we loved each other enough to work on them and compromise.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that I won’t settle for less, and if that means I’m going to be alone with just my dog for company, I can live with that. I have a busy and fulfilling life and many loved ones, both friends and family. No, I’m not trying to replace Tony, I just want to feel the way he made me feel.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!