The Sober Widow

Chapter 24

So…I’ve been seeing someone for a few months now. I guess he’s my boyfriend? I’ve avoided putting a label on it and making things official, but it seems I am in a relationship. We met on Facebook Dating, and I was just about to take myself off the site because it really is a cesspool. Bob is a happy surprise. He reached out to me just as I was calling it quits (isn’t that always the way?) and I responded.

We chatted back and forth a few times, then we graduated to phone calls where we had some good conversations. “They” say you shouldn’t give out your phone number so quickly, but I told “them” to shove it. I soon get tired of texting, and phone calls are a nice way to kind of get to know someone, but there is nothing like a face-to-face to look at body language, gestures, make eye contact and generally decide if you are at least superficially attracted to someone. As I tell people often, I have enough friends. I’m not looking for a new one, I’m looking for a man I find attractive, who makes me weak in the knees.

That’s all well and good and it sounds nice on paper. But the reality is, when you are a widow, finding love again is not only a crapshoot, but it’s a lesson in guilt. And I mean “guilt” with a capital G. Tony was my one true love. Yeah, we argued and we had our moments (it was always alcohol – that was truly the only thing wrong in our marriage), but I never doubted my love for him, or his for me. And I believe in my heart that our love for each other and our desire to be together would have gotten us through whatever we needed to do to become sober at the same time and live good long lives. I will also admit that I question myself every single day, in terms of whether the fact that I was half in the wrapper meant that I didn’t look after him as well as I could have. At least for the last 10 years or so.

Here’s a man who was significantly overweight and who already had a heart problem. Before I got sick, you would think that I would have wanted to get sober in order to be the person he needed me to be, to be the shining example for him to get sober as well. We both needed it and it would have helped him to improve his health and his heart. Not a day goes by where I don’t wonder “what if.” It took my own near-death health scare for me to finally put the glass down and become dedicated to getting better. But in the end, it was too late for him. I will always profoundly regret that.

So, the guilt is real, and it runs deep. Yet I know what it was like to be completely loved, to belong to someone, to be his “person,” and to have my own person. Coming home from a day in court, or a board meeting for my groups, or a good workout, or just having lunch with a friend I haven’t seen in a while, there’s nothing I’d rather do than just debrief with Tony as my sounding board. He was so wise, and he always had good advice or feedback, or he’d just listen if that’s what I needed. So, I decided that I would start dating again. I loved being married, plain and simple.

Just after the one-year anniversary of his death, I saw a new menu item on my Facebook page called “Dating,” and I wondered what it was about. When I discovered that it was free, and that you may be matched with someone your “friends” might know, I made a profile.

The first few dates were okay. One was a nice guy who treated me to lunch, and we chatted quite a bit after that, but never managed to go on a second date. I went away at the end of June, and he texted me the entire weekend, and we had plans to go see a band at Red Rock Park in Lynn and stay for the fireworks that upcoming July 3. Then he ghosted me. Here I am, waiting for him to pick me up and he doesn’t show. I text him – no answer. The following morning, I got a text that basically tells me he doesn’t think he’s good enough for me because I’m a college graduate and he’s not. He said he saw the “disappointment” in my eyes when I asked him where he went to school and he said he didn’t.

What bunch of bullshit. I told him that when I married Tony, he wasn’t a college graduate either, but I was attracted to his personality and work ethic, not to mention so many other things. I read him the riot act and said that anyone with class, college grad or not, wouldn’t do that to another person.

Couple more dates – nice men that just didn’t do anything for me. Then in the early fall I started dating two different men at the same time who were very different from each other, and I liked them both. I made it clear that nothing sexual would happen yet because I wasn’t dating them exclusively. Sidebar – there’s nothing so free as knowing you don’t really care that much if something doesn’t work out, because I already had my true love and I know what that’s like. I know what it’s like to be completely loved and to love in return. So many people never experience that. And if I’m alone for the rest of my life, at least I have the very best memories to comfort me. I had fun dating each of them, then I went to Sicily and got stuck in the hospital over there for two weeks.

Only one of them kept messaging me to see how I was doing. The other one knew and expressed his sympathy once, but then I didn’t hear from him again until I got home. I honestly thought he wasn’t interested anymore, but he asked for another date, and I agreed. But no sparks, and I was pretty honestly bored with most of our conversations, so I decided to date the other one exclusively. That didn’t last too much longer, though, because we lived more than an hour apart and he worked weekends, in business for himself, with very little free time. Also – sexual chemistry wasn’t there. So, I cut the cord.

I stayed away from Facebook Dating for a little while (I tried “Our Time” as well, but every match suggested to me was hundreds of miles away and not at all what I said I wanted in my profile. What a waste of money). Then Bob showed up just when I was about to give up entirely.

Our first date was dinner at a place that was equidistant from each other. He paid, even though I pulled out my wallet. I kind of like that he’s old-fashioned but I wanted to make it clear I wasn’t looking for a free ride. So, when we decided we weren’t ready to leave yet, we ordered tea and shared a dessert, and this time I paid.

A week later, he took me to Rockport for the 4^th of July. We spent the day walking around, in and out of shops and had lunch at “My Place by the Sea” which is at the very tip of Bearskin Neck. Gorgeous location, and it was a beautiful, sunny day. On the drive home, he took me to the Paper House, which is a tourist attraction I’d never heard of, and it was cute and quaint. One thing I really liked is that every so often he would pull over to kiss me. Sweet!

We’ve been dating ever since, and we usually see each other about once a week. It works for us and our busy schedules. He’s a dad to four, grandfather to six. He’s involved in their lives (and he’s also still working full time), and since I have my two volunteer jobs and lots of writing, not to mention Pilates and the fact that I’m on the board of directors for both the Council on Aging and the Marblehead Little Theatre, my days are full. We’re both attracted to each other and even Primo likes him, so that’s a relief.

But honestly, I still feel a bit weird about it, having been with Tony for so long. I don’t think I’m ready to give my heart away again, and I may never be. It takes a lot for me to do that. I have a lofty ideal to live up to. And that’s not fair at all to anyone else, but he would really need to sweep me off my feet. So, we’ll see. For now, I’m just enjoying his company and it’s nice to have someone to do stuff with, even bring a date to an event, etc.

Stay tuned.