The Sober Widow

Chapter 21

Ever since my disastrous “annus horribilus” in 2023, I’ve been on somewhat of a journey to reclaim my life. It started small: I basically just had to get through a life-threatening illness and the tremendous loss of my husband, my life partner, the love of my life. And I don’t toss around those words lightly. I do think he was my one and only. I’m open to finding love again, but it would take an awful lot for me to give my heart away once more.

After I made it through surgery and recovery (which was not a given, and I know that), I started to turn my attention to what the rest of my life would look like. Believe me, there were times when I just wanted to go back to sleep, after waking up at 9:00 or 10:00, and not have to face the day. Luckily, I have a dog who needs me, and I am his only caregiver. For quite a few mornings, he was the only reason I got out of bed. I hadn’t even resumed my coffee habit yet. (For some strange reason, with all the gastrointestinal changes in my body, I lost my taste for coffee. It did some back slowly, and now I’m back to my half a pot daily. Shut up.)

Gradually, I came back to the land of the living. This was partly due to the tremendous weight loss, once all the retained fluid left my body. I lost 75 pounds between mid-December and April. Apparently, I had become much thinner (you could see it in my chest and face but the rest of my body was so swollen it was unnoticeable). Once I was fluid-free, now I had visible ribs and hip bones. I swear, this is only the second time this has happened to me, the first being after gastric bypass surgery. And since I was going out more often, I needed new clothes.

Few things feel better than trying on flattering clothes that fit you. I was truly astonished when I could wear a size 10 or a medium. I admit I went a little crazy buying some new things. And I was done with 4-inch heels, so I gave away a lot of my shoes and bought some that were much more comfortable. I do have some kitten heels and a couple of nice (but comfy) pairs for dress-up, but no longer will I subject myself to such painful footwear.

Now that I looked nice, I was much more willing to go out. I contacted the Marblehead Council on Aging to resume my volunteer work there that I had started when we moved here in 2018. They were happy to have me back, and I met a bunch of new people and reignited friendships that I had made before Covid when they shut down for a year. I visited friends and had people over for lunches and dinner. I booked a long-awaited trip to Sicily that Tony and I had wanted to take when we saw season 2 of The White Lotus. I fell into a stage-managing job with the Marblehead Little Theatre that had me quite busy over the last half of the summer 2024 into the fall. I met some wonderful people who are terrific actors, and through them I discovered community theatres all around me and attended plays that they were in after ours concluded. The holidays were bittersweet because it was my first “real” season without Tony, since the 2023 holidays were spent trying to survive. I got to spend it with friends and family at their homes or mine and that was a lovely way to remember him.

In the spring of 2024, when I started living again, I went to a grief support group near me. I met a widow who wanted to get together with me because she was attracted to my joyful spirit (her words). What I didn’t understand is that she was paralyzed with grief after losing her husband and was not able to enjoy anything. He died just before my Tony did, so our timelines were the same, and they didn’t have children either. I thought this would be someone I could bond with because no one quite understands the widow experience until you’ve lived it. And according to her, they had a similar marriage – best friends, lovers, confidantes, the whole nine yards.

When we met for lunch, she was simply amazed at all I was doing, and how I had the strength to do it. I didn’t really think about it that much; to me, it was simply a matter of life going on. I wasn’t about to stay in the Pit of Despair (shout out to The Princess Bride fans out there). As I’ve shared with you, I am an optimist/happy person by nature, and I will always look for the silver lining in any situation. I still grieved then, and I do today. I will never “get over” losing Tony, I am merely learning to live with it. There’s a huge difference.

She, on the other hand, had a list of places where she could no longer go, because they reminded her too much of her husband. Restaurants, parks, etc. I do understand that, but when I go to places we used to go to together, I smile because it reminds me of him. We don’t all grieve the same way, and I am exquisitely aware of that, but I can’t share her fear of living, which she told me she has. Rather than a pleasant lunch, it was kind of morbid, if I’m being honest. I think she figured she found a kindred spirit and could be morose and sad with me, but that’s not my way at all, and after a second time seeing her, I stopped trying to schedule things. Most likely, she understood that on some level, and since I didn’t share her approach, she stopped contacting me altogether.

I wish her peace and healing, but the path I’ve forged for myself is a different one. I’d give anything to have Tony back, but since I don’t, I’m making my own way in the world. That means that because I love my home and I love living in Marblehead, I decided I don’t want to move anywhere. Rather, I will slowly transform this house into my own space with the décor and furnishings to reflect my taste. When you’re married, you compromise on just about everything, and while Tony had excellent taste, the things he liked weren’t necessarily the same for me. I don’t feel badly about that although there was some guilt in the beginning. But I’ve given away the things I don’t care for and they are mostly in homes where the owners had a connection to Tony and can appreciate them more.

I think one of the most rewarding things I’ve done is to become a legal advocate volunteer for HAWC, which is an organization that supports domestic abuse victims. I help them complete protective orders, consult with them about safety planning, stand with them before the judge to have it granted (or sadly denied, which does happen occasionally) and follow up with them to make sure they come back for the extension hearing. It’s a tremendously good feeling when you know you’ve made even a small difference in helping someone escape a traumatic situation.

And I can’t sit in a corner, that’s just not me. I have a passion for life, for travel, for trying new things. I love to learn and to sample foods I’ve never had. I appreciate a good conversation with either a cherished friend or family member, or in making interesting chat with someone I just met. As you can tell, I love to write and now that I  have an outlet, I will continue to do a lot of it. Basically, I want to live. To make the most of the time I have left. To put some good out into the world, because I’ve been so lucky. I have a lot to offer, still, and I want to do that. The steering wheel is in my hands. I can’t wait to see where I go next.

Where will you go? What will you decide is the life you want to lead? If you want it, you can do it. Go get it.