The Sober Widow

Chapter 11

Normally, I am a nice person. Some would even say “kind.” I truly try to be as I feel kindness is slowly disappearing in this warped and crazy time we are living through right now. But that’s with a normal brain.

I think I’ve mentioned that liver disease messes with your mind. The toxins that a healthy liver normally disposes of can’t happen when your liver is too sick to function. This means that the toxins make their way up the spinal column and take residence in your brain. This first came to light in that missing Easter Sunday I wrote about earlier. I had no idea what was happening to me apart from what I knew was wrong with my liver. I didn’t know it could do that kind of damage to your head.

So this means I was not myself at all. And I was understandably angry about a lot of other things, grief being first and foremost the main driver. You all know about the five stages of grief, well guess what happens second after denial? Yup, major anger. And I was also seriously pissed off about how my body was betraying me (yes, it was mostly my fault with the drinking but tell that to your messed up brain). And I was helpless being in the hospital most of the time. I couldn’t move the lower half of my body very well, and the fluid causing the swelling was making me more uncomfortable than I could ever have imagined. I compared myself to the Michelin Man many times and it was absolutely true.

Now picture me in the hospital, struggling to be nice to people causing me constant pain, what with the blood being taken, and the IVs being inserted, and the catheters being jammed into my arteries, etc. etc. etc. And not being able to sleep and being exhausted all the time. My mom was a nurse and all my life, she drilled into me to be a good patient and treat nurses well because they are actually trying to help you (I had an experience with one particular nurse who proved that theory completely wrong, but luckily it was just her – everyone else was terrific). So here I am, doing my best to be nice, but eventually the volcano was gonna blow. I had many moments where I would say something not nice and then apologize for it later when I realized what I had done. I honestly thought I was just taking out my misery on someone else, until one such angel, I mean nurse, sat with me and explained what was going on in my head. Intellectually I knew that, but I hadn’t factored in how significantly it would impact my behavior. So even though I was not my laughing, bouncing, fun person to be around, the nurses, and to a great degree the doctors, totally got why I was acting the way I was.

And I’m ashamed to say that this also filtered down to my friends and family in small ways. There were a few times I took out some frustrations on them as well and to their unbelievable credit, they understood and stuck by me anyway. Have I mentioned how lucky I know I am? This is just another example of that.

Looking back, I’m still somewhat surprised by my behavior because it is so “not me,” but thankfully I got through it, and within a couple of days after surgery, I was back to my good old self. All through this ordeal, I did manage to hold on to my sense of humor, and there were many times I succeeded in being nice, which is why I think I had such a great relationship with so many of my caregivers. A lot of them actually came to say goodbye to me when I was discharged (and I know what you’re thinking, but if they did that because they were happy to see me go, then they’re all Academy Award winning actors). I was so grateful to them all that as soon as I was able to bake, I brought them a huge platter of cookies as a thank you, with a card. It was the least I could do.

If you’ve continued along this journey with me so far, then thank you for that. I want to emphasize that I’m not writing this for any type of “feel sorry for me” motive, but instead to point out what repeated abuse of your body can lead to and use this as sort of a cautionary tale. If I can help even one person avoid what happened to me, then I will consider this blog to be a success.

Drop me a line if you’d like to engage in some dialogue or if you have any questions I haven’t addressed so far. I would love to hear from you, and would be interested in any feedback you may have.

Next up: Nutrition and Waste in a Hospital. It’s a doozy!